1-28-09 February 17th, 2009

Is Thee Big Day!!!
Mi Bebe Will Be Home!

life is jst so great right now.
i've been through so much && i've accomplished getting through it all so quickly.
my lukeyy,
he's my everything,
and i truely believe that i've got something with him.
i can't wait until he's home,
im never going to be in baltimore,
we're always going to be together.
i really love him alot,
and i hope he knows that.
but i believe he does.
eh,
i hope this relationship,
doesn't get me into any trouble,
doing something to soon...
doing something that i should have waited for until after marriage...
but im jst going to let everything happen naturally.
i jst have to make sure we;re ready,
and everythings right.
i hope so.
im so happy,
i dnt have anything to say right now :]
AHH lifes great!
and i'm never looking back.

happily,
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ßéℓℓαquєó.
i'm so in loveeeeeeeee <345.

1-20-09 GoodBye Sadness.

it's final, thee ex && i are officially donee;
im not sad or anythinq,
im entirely happy with what i have,
it's jst about time.
it's a shame how lonq it took me to realize that is was time for me to qo.
thee constant arquinq, thee heartachee,
i dnt have time for that kind of bussiness this year.
i dnt feel anythinq for him anymore,
i mean yeah i still have mad love,
but it'll never come in between what i have now.
i realized, all he wnted was a chase,
and to see my stressing over him,
but it's not my place to give him what he wnts anymore.
thats for his new grl.
idk why i let that bother me before when i have always had my lukey by my side,
since thee ninth qrade,
someone who truely loves me && is not afraid to show it.
i've developed a new type of love for him.
we've been apart for three months,
and i've been faithful,
and thee thouqht to leave his side never crossed my mind.
i really love him alot,
and appreciate him wayyyy more then before.
my life seems so diff. now,
a sad day or memory,
has yet to come, now thats he's come into my life.
he qenuinely makes me happy.
he has yet to hurt me like thee other quyss have in thee past,
but i doubt hurtinq me would ever cross his mind.
he never let's a moment past without letting me know how much he loves && misses me.
this relationship is different from thee rest,
really, fcuk thee rest,
in all the others,
i was always beinq hurt,
while i was doinq my part thee wholetime.
but now,
its jst so different,
im so happy with him.
lol at this rate he's qoinq to have my children,
&& im qoinq to take his hand in marriaqe.
he makes my heart skip a beat,
idk what to say, really, he knocks me riqht off of my feet,
and leaves me speechless.
idk what his love does to me,
but it's a feelinq i wnt to stay.
it's kind of hard to explain,
how i feel about him,
lovee is truely beinq qood to me, this time around.
im qlad he's mine.
i cnt wait until he comes home.
i think that will be thee happiest day of my life thus far.
im so in lovee <345.
¤Bellaqueo.

1-12-09 Idk What To Say;

Lukey && i are officially Two Months after a couple of days ago.
i get so lonely sometimes,
but im being a good grl for the most part.
i've met some new faces,
this guy los :]
he's black and korean :]]]
and i feel like im forgetting ppl lol but oh well i'll remember sooner or later.
my head is really messed up right now,
my ex and i are basically being forced to stop talking.
i was really hurt at first,
i swear i couldnt listen to "Here I Am" by rick Ross last night,
without bursting into tears.
i felt so dumb crying over him,
like i dnt have the rest of my life ahead of me,
and millions of new ppl to meet.
but he jst means alot to me right now,
and that song jst triggered something inside.
that song reminds me of the day we met,
that was thee song he had on his page when we first started tlking.
those days were wonderful,
and everything jst went down hill from there.
well, not really,
im not going to make our relationship out to be a horrible one,
because it really wasn;t, not at all.
i told alot of boys i love them,
but after meeting him,
it feels great to know i really mean it.
but im chilling now;
he's an asshole forreal.
but even so, everytime i tlk to someone besides him,
i can never get fully attached,
it's like he's got some hold on me.
im so attached.
noone has ever made me feel this way,
im literally a big ass cry bby over this nigga.
i mean yeah, if a nigga make me mad,
tears come.
but the tears that he brings are of hurt and sadness.
im really not ready to tlk to anyone else right now.
thee only person that i feel can really save me from this rollercoasterride,
is my boyfriend.
i swear,
once he gets out,
it's jst me and him.
at least thats what i wnt.
but i know deep down inside,
he'll always be in my heart.
that little peice of my heart will always remain his,
but i guess i jst gotta let go?..... :[
but im jst going to have to get over that and move on.
that's what he wants me to do anyway.
FCKING ASSHOLE!
who would say something like that?
but yet he lovess me.
fcking lying ass bastard.
i swear i hate his insides,
but i dnt have to deal with his shit anymore.
i swear ughh i never met a nigga like him,
never in my 16 years,
but i jst don't have much to say right now :/
thee end.
ttyl, i have alot to think about.
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ßéℓℓαquєó.

1-5-09 Thee Beggining Of Thee End;

-Standing Alone This Year;

So tonite is pretty much changing everything about everything i once knew.

I'm not sure if this is thee way to go about the recents stressor that have been killing my life ever do dreadfully,

but i'll go out on a limb.

For the past month or so ive been a complete wreck, emotional, sensitive,

insecure, full of anger and other feelings that ive yet to be able to put into words.

ive pretty much been indifferent.

I thought i had a plan of how and WITH WHOM i wanted to live my life,

but now more and more i sit to myself and think and KNOW deep down inside i truly deserve better.

It's sad when youre 16 years old and feel like your life is over when in all reality the world,

and every opportunity is sitting at your feet, just waiting to be concurred.

it's sorta insane how i let a guy interupt my social living, but it's end tonight.

From today on i made a promise to love myself more,

to appreciate and accept all the good and bad qualities ive been blessed with.

I promise myself to be strong enough to over-look all of the foolish choices ive made in the past;

and not forget them, just use them as a lesson learned,

and a stepping stone to what i want to get to in my future and present.

I promise myself to never let ANYONE (cough cough ex-boyfriend) continuously hurt me time and time again,

I promise myself to not settle for 2nd best but to keep striving until im completely happy with first place.

I promise myself to never neglect the ones who truly and unconditionally love me (or so i thought) for who i am & not who they want me to be.

I promise to never down my pride to satisfy a NIGGA!

I'm Loving myself from now on,

and I think it's best if i just focused on MY LUKEYY and I from now on :]

oh yeah,

and no more bby ideas,

i was blinded by love yet again,

but someone tlked some sense into me :]



Living My Life :]

1-3-09 Im Ready.

Winter Skies Are Thee Best;
Soothing? Calming? Lol Well Enough...
what are your opinions on premarital sex,
or teenage pregnancies at that?

And No,
It's Not Jst A Random Topic that i'm blogging on.
i'm actually thinking about it.
Two Very Important ppl in my life have already confronted me regarding this situation,
and as i see it,
i think i would make a very fit parent.
ppl always think about thee negative consequences,
rather than thee greater outcomes.
seriously,
you have one life to live,
tomorrow is not promised,
who would wnt to die without leaving a peice of themselves behind.
seriously,
a child,
a life changing experience,
but i'm going to continue school,
i'm going to have a job,
and thee father will be in my child's life.
and whoever said that a child ruins your social life is a lying dog.
my bundle of joy will be on my hip,
every and anywhere you can find me,
excluding parties, that's jst not my scene anymore.
i dnt think i have to worry about how a child will affect my love life,
i plan on spending the rest of my life with this person,
i dnt have to worry about guyss rejecting me because of thee extra baggage,
im already taken thank you.
thats how i wanna live my life.
and they are jst so cute.

Dnt You Think?

There's Only One Problem.
Both My Ex-Boyfriend && My Boyfriend Want To Take This Step.
I Have To Think About Alot Before I Make This Huge Decision.
Readers, You Know All That There Is To Know About Both,
What Would Be Best For The Child,
Just Saying.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ßéℓℓαquєó.

1-1-09 Happy New Years!

So i spent thee first two hours of thee new year at skateworks;
as thee new year was 10 seconds away,
i cried tears of disappointment, relief and happiness all together.

let's recap the year shall we (that i can actually remember) keeping it 100 might i add:

-thee mistakes made all throughout.

-i met my ex-boyfriend "ag", we started dating, we broke up. that was my btch to be honest, it was nice while it lasted, a fcking handful and very stressful, but it was nice :] he's cool though, we talk everyonce in a while.

-i met my ex-boyfriend "mb" or "mars" lmao. i met him at this pool party, he took my heart that day, lol i swear it was love at first sight, it was jst something about him. THEN he broke my heart, we got back together about a month or two later, we broke up, got back together, blahzaye blahzaye, i love him more than the air i breath, he's my heart. i cry over him alot, lol only because i care about him alot, and i love him even moreee, yet he's always finding a way to hurt my feelings by saying or doing something dumb. as for right now, we are not together, but who knows what thee new year will bring.

-mi great abuelita died :[ miss yu mama.

-I met luke in ehh '06 i think, but we jst got together this year, its great so far. I care about him alot, and i know he feels thee same about me. this relationship is jst so easy going, i never feel like im doing too much because he's such and angel and he loves me unconditionally. Im never getting my feelings stomped all over, or accused of doing shit and therefore, i like this alot. as of 09, we are still together <345.

- i met my bestfriend dujaun or "dugan", im glad he came into my life. we are jst alike in alot of ways. he helps me get through alot of the troubles that the above bring me. he actually takes the time to hear me out, and talks to me helping me to overcome my worries and for that i really appreciate him. i can see him in my life for a long time, i love our friendship.

-met some phoney btches, dropped some phoney btches, gained a greater fan base, all is livee in 08, no fights, no childish bickering, no regrets, im cooling :]

that was alot, well at least all that i can remember.
this year was crazy and some memories were made but i am so glad it's over.
most importantly i spent my new year's eve with my sisters briana, ebony and tasha,
the only females i really fck with on that level, so it was great.
without that, it woulda been horrible!!!
jst fcking horrible.
so earlier that day, me and mars get into an argument,
but as usual we made up.
so i tell him i love him and that i want to be with him as thee new year comes in.
"ard" he says.
but in my heart, i knew it wasnt going to happen.
so five minutes before thee countdown,
he's in my eye sight,
i turn my head for a quick second and he's fcking gonee.
so i txt him like "come here",
and he says "where yu at",
i tell him and im expecting him to come.
so as it nears closer and closer to thee countdown,
im getting more and more upset.
so out of no where they start the countdown, and my heart jst dropped,
i knew he wasnt going to be there so,
i began to cry and cry and cry.
i wasnt oding forreal, no sobbing or snot, jst tears of dissapointment.
i swear he always makes me feel this way,
he never fails to disappoint me and yet i still love him.
im kinda growing tired of this "rollercoasterride"
and our relationship FULLY deseves that name.
we talk almost everyday if HE's not mad at ME,
cus i swear i can never get mad and stay mad at him,
i jst love him too much.
but when we do talk,
he always catches and attitude about another niqqa.
like relax.
he's really blind to how i feel about him,
and it's really irritating cus im really affectionate towards him,
and thats not usually me, but towards him i am.
i can't say the same for him though,
well not in public at least;
&& GRRRR! how i hate that.
i swear in public,
he does not want anything to do with me.
i guess his lor btches be around, i wouldnt know.
lol like what i stink, im ugly? let me know,
cus last time i checked, i was a bad btch, if i do say so myself,
but thats jst the last time i checked, sht.
but the constant arguing,
it's kind of annoying,
it's getting really old,
it's tired,
and i really dnt know what to think anymore.
lol as a matter of fact,
he's mad at me at this moment,
about something idk,
but i can tell by the way he abruptly ended our convo yesterday night.
but im not tight, not at all,
it's a new year,
no more oding or spazzing over a nigga.
not me.
if he doesnt want to be with me,
as of right now,
im not going to push it.
im always pouring my feelings out about him.
he should get it by now,
i did my part,
it's time for him to make it work,
cus im ALWAYS trying.
if his pride is getting in the way of him working towards an "us" again,
i jst can't be with him, sad to say,
i really cannot be with a person like that.
i use to think that i wanted him in my life foreverrr and everr,
and a part of me still does,
but it jst doesn't look like thats going to happen this year, unless he changes.
it's jst not workingg :[
but we'll see what happens....goodbye '08.

HAPPY NEW YEARSS!!!
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ßéℓℓαquєó

12-30-08 Late Nite Thinking.

El Amor De Mi Vida; My Lukey.

It's currently five thirty in the morning.
i can't sleep and i have so much on my mind.
im a little upset,
i didnt get to see my boyfriend on his home pass,
but we have all the time in thee world right?
so im not spazzinq.
i've been talking to my ex boyfriend lately;
as most know i still have maddd amor for him,
and i dnt know where to go from here.
I cnt have them both at thee same time,
I cnt love them both at thee same time,
they both cnt have my heart at thee same time.
my lukeyy,
he has yet to do me wrong.
i love him so much,
he always knows the right things to say,
and never passes up a moment to tell me he loves me.
my ex, this nigga on thee other hand,
i cnt say the same for.
i get an occasional i love you,
when he's in a good mood and not spazzing.
this guy is crazy, bipolar and all thee above,
but i've grown to love him and all of his crazy ways.

now im left to decide which one to be with?
i feel that i would be happier with what i have now.
much less problemos, hrt feelings, pain, all that junk.
but im so attached to my ex,
i jst cnt throw away what we have,
he's thee first boy that i have truely lovedd, to be quite honest.



my life is a mess.
-ßéℓℓαquєó.